1. A Thot’s Xmas Wish List

    "thot" (def.) a hoe
    Plural: thotties
    Used in a sentence (courtesy of urban dictionary):
    Marquan: Yo, thats my main girl.
    Deshaun: She yo main girl but she my main thot.
    • Cross Leggings or Galaxy Leggings
    • Brazilian Hair (struggle edges!)



    • Costume Jewelry and a Victoria’s Secret gift card



    • Hair bonnet an a pair of pajama pants (I mean, you can’t sleep on this shit)


    • Open-toe Ugg boots


    • A 20-piece nugget from McDonald’s


    • A box of condoms with Plan B lubricant

    Merry Xmas everyone!
     
  2. I woke up like dis.

     

  3. I’m jus’ tryna freak ya, den delete ya!

    I had a conversation with my father-in-law this week about Lamp Thoughts. He thoroughly enjoys the fuckery I post, but I’ve not been very consistent with it lately (‘cause a bitch has a real job). 

    However, he asked me to let him know when the spirit moves me to post again…and I found my inspiration today. 

    Exhibit A: Dis bitch on the Bill Cunningham Show

    I returned home from teaching a 4-hour college class today, and found this abject ignorance on my television. It instantly put me into a stupid mood. 

    This hoe is named Cola. She says com-pru-tah [computer] and con-frused [confused], she stated that “her sus-tah [sister] is a stud [lesbian]” (which is how she justifies a mystery pair of dirty ass, shapeless, dusty blue boxer briefs appearing in her baff-rume [bathroom]) and she must own stock in Elmer’s Weavy Wonder Glue for Tackheads, because that Kenya Moore for Kanekalon Signature Broke Bitches Wig #69 is not budging. 

    Thanks Bill Cunningham for restoring my faith in humanity. 

     

  4.  

  5. DonkeyGate 2013 - To Pay or Not to Pay?

    As a businesswoman, I had to post something about the fuckery that went down on RHOA last night. If you haven’t seen the episode, just stop reading. Put on your headphones at work and go to Project Free TV and stream that shit while your boss is in a meeting. Then, come back.

    image

    So…….

    Kenya is butt-hurt because Phaedra does not want to pay her 10% of the proceeds from a business deal that she is trying to broker. Kenya has two options:

    1.            If you’re really a boss bitch and $10,000 is really a “drop in the bucket” to you (since you “only wear $1,000” shoes), move on a find another sucker who is willing to pay 10% of all proceeds in perpetuity…

    2.            Bitch, twirl and bitch some more to ANYONE who will listen about how you are worth at least 10% for a business deal.

    Which do you think Kenya did?

    While she stomped out of Phaedra’s office in those two-sizes-too-small, run-down, Madden Girl platforms (street value - $29 at Chernin’s Shoe Outlet) with her cheese-grated toes, she claimed to be over the whole project. 

    Here’s the thing…

    If you are a savvy businessperson, you create a network of referrals that you pass business to, and vice-versa. Let’s pretend I own Rumpshaker Productions, and I make workout videos for the donktastic. If I was in Kenya’s network of referrals, and she came to me about the Donkey Booty video, I would quote her a price on creating the video. If I quoted her $90,000 (which is ridiculously high), and Kenya wanted 10% off the deal, she should have tacked on her 10% and presented it to Phaedra & Apollo. THIS IS HOW THE PROFESSIONALS DO IT.

    Plus, it is MUCH MORE risky to try to get paid on the back-end. What if a logistical issue (a fancy term for bullshit) occurs and the video doesn’t get launched for another 12-24 months? Bitch gon’ be sleeping on an air mattress and eating Struggle Meals from KFC like Sheree. What will your $1,000 shoes do for you then, Kenya? Will Christian Louboutin keep your wig tight? Will Jimmy Choo give a fuck if your Yaris gets repoed? 

    Kenya needs an MBA (or someone with some damn business sense) to handle her affairs, because she could have made 10% without opening her mouth if she was smart. 

     
  6. My favorite moment of the Golden Globes last night - Tay-ho Swift losing to Adele and attempting to grimace. 

     

  7. WTH? Mandeecees?

    Mandeecees

    Mandeecees? Who in the blue hell would name their child Mandeecess?

    Is it his real name? I can’t imagine a name so bad, that you would change your name to Mandeecees.

    He’s an aspiring rapper? How to you make that rhyme with anything other than “testes” and “Reece’s [Pieces]”?

    And…if I hear him say “fawvuh” one more time, I’m going to clamp his tongue with a pair of pliers. Just say “dad”, nigga. 

     
  8. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, Blur Ivy. 

    Seriously, can’t they get some better lighting or a better camera? All the damn money they have…Did Jigga spend it all on Chapstick? Did Bey spend it all on helium to inflate her ego?

     
  9. Can your favorite “hip hop honey” do this? Probably not, they are too wasted off cheap azz moscato and reefer crumbs…

     
     
  10. From the makers of the Shake Weight, something 10x more ri”dick”ulous, LOL!